


When Spideypool Met Hartwin...

by JeanBoulet



Category: Deadpool (2016), Kingsman: The Secret Service (2015), Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Anal Sex, Breaking the Fourth Wall, Canon-Typical Violence, Canon-typical language, Hartwin, M/M, Oral sex mention, Spideypool - Freeform, Typical Wade, like they're catching a rapist and it's mentioned for like one second, rape mention
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-24
Updated: 2016-02-24
Packaged: 2018-05-22 22:06:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 723
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6095485
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JeanBoulet/pseuds/JeanBoulet
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Ooooh, hello again Mr. Sexy Silver Fox! One of these days I’ll unwrap you from that obscenely expensive three piece suit.”</p><p>“Wade-”</p><p>“Not you, dear, you’re not going grey yet.”</p><p>“The fuck is this bloke?”</p><p>“Who’s your boy toy? If I knew you were going for cradle robbing, I would’ve been on my knees for you YEARS ago!”</p><p>“WADE.”</p><p>“Don’t worry, baby, you’re still my number one.”</p><p>-------------------</p><p>Alternatively, that one where Spideypool and Hartwin meet catching a baddie. It goes about as well as you'd expect.</p>
            </blockquote>





	When Spideypool Met Hartwin...

**Author's Note:**

> I seriously cannot get enough Spideypool at the moment, and BlackMakethMe on Tumblr wanted this bad boy, and KURO IS A HORRIBLE ENABLER but i love you anyway kuro<3
> 
> Might be OOC, but honestly, I'm just proud of myself for writing this. Never written Spideypool before, so ye be warned.

“Ooooh, hello again Mr. Sexy Silver Fox! One of these days I’ll unwrap you from that obscenely expensive three piece suit.”

“Wade-”

“Not you, dear, you’re not going grey yet.”

“The fuck is this bloke?”

“Who’s your boy toy? If I knew you were going for cradle robbing, I would’ve been on my knees for you YEARS ago!”

“WADE.”

“Don’t worry, baby, you’re still my number one.”

“That’s quite enough, Mr. Wilson.” Harry drones, completely unruffled by the foul-mouthed mercenary clad in red spandex. Eggsy, however, is decidedly…less unruffled.

“Who the fuck d'you think you are, talking to him like that?”

“Really, Eggsy, there’s no need to defend my honor. Mr Wilson is a friend.”

Eggsy looks at Harry like he’s grown a second head. “A friend? The guy that fuckin' kebabed our target–the freak in a red condom is your friend?”

“Oh I would LOVE to be Harry’s ‘friend in a condom’ of any color, really…”

“You shut it.”

“Or what, muffin, gonna shoot me with your unbelievably sexy umbrella shotgun shield?”

“I just might.”

“No seriously, please shoot me with it, I wanna see what that sexy piece of machinery can do.”

“…What kind of–”

“Harry-bear, can you tell Merls that I want one of those–”

“Mr Wilson,” Harry cuts in. “Is a freelance mercenary who takes care of our more…challenging targets.”

“Yeah, I’d call a guy who changes into a giant hippo and eats people just a little challenging.” The guy in the webbed costume snarks.

“And this is Mr Parker, whom you undoubtedly know as Spider-Man. He’s also Mr Wilson's lover, at the moment.”

“How do you even know my n–hey what do you mean AT THE MOMENT?”

“Don’t let Harry get to you, cuddlebug, you know you’re my main squeeze.”

“Christ this is fucked up.”

“You know, he does look like a fluffy corgi.”

Eggsy stares at Wade. “What the fuck are you on about?”

Wade shrugs. “Just something I saw on Tumblr. Do you really call him Daddy a lot?”

“I swear to fuckin' Christ–”

“Oh look at you, beet red little lovesick nugget!!”

“Eggsy, put down your weapon, he’ll only heal and you will ruin your new suit.”

While Harry tries to keep Eggsy from shooting Wade into a bloody pulp, the mercenary claps his hands together. “Anyway, gents, it’s been fun! Sorry for overcooking your shish-kebabed perp. Actually, really not sorry–rapist and child molester who happens to turn into a ragemonster hippo, but I am sorry for the paperwork. Except that I’m not sorry for that either. Because thank god I don’t have to do it. Anyway, see you two never!”

“Go fuck yourself!”

“Oh I won’t have to. Spidey’ll take care of that, won’t you, Snooglebooches?”

“You’re not even trying to make these names make sense, are you?”

“Not even a little, Hot Tamale.”

 

* * *

“Why would you even rile them up like that?” Peter asks when they’ve successfully ditched the two spies.

“Because if I didn’t, the little guy never would’ve made a move.”

Peter cocks his head. “Why exactly do you care if they get together?”

“Because my Hartwin ship needs to sail, goddamnit.”

“You’re doing that thing where you don’t make sense again.”

“Peter,” Wade says seriously. “Please close your mouth. Around my dick. Right now.”

“You’re unbelievable.”

“I did say please.”

“Yeah, yeah.”

 

* * *

A little later…

“F-Fuck…Harry!” Eggsy moans as he slams himself onto Harry’s dick one more time and feels Harry empty into him.

They collapse together in Harry’s desk chair in a mess of sweat and slick. Eggsy starts shaking with giggles and Harry starts to worry until he sees the giddy grin on his face.

“And what, pray tell, is so funny?” Harry asks, out of breath.

“Nothin, just…us. This.” Eggsy gestures between them. “Can’t believe that…”

“That a man in a red condom suit, as you so eloquently put it, ruffled you so much that you promptly pushed me in here upon our return?”

“Yeah, that…and that you’d…well, that you’d want me to.”

Harry smiles and cups Eggsy’s jaw softly. “My dear boy, you’ve no idea the things I want you to do to me.”

Eggsy bites his lip with that predatory twinkle in his eye that makes Harry’s pulse race. “Let’s get started then, yeah?”

The End.


End file.
